Soft and Humble

Published October 10, 2016 by Stephanie

The ex once told me that after almost loosing my life along with my son who was born 3 months early I changed. He told me I’ll always be crazy lol BUT I’m softer, more humble to life and my surroundings. I didn’t get it then but over time and especially now it makes sense to me. I’ve always been upset my whole life. Everyday, every minute, every second. Outside looking in every one assumes I have it made and I live this great happy fun life. But I don’t and it’s dark. It’s dark and consumed with so many secrets, empty gaps, and pain. No one knows my story. I’m a book judged by the cover that quickly gets flipped through but never thoroughly read. So I’m angry, bitter, upset and mad at the world everyday. I’ve endured so much misery and been through so much how could I not? Through all the horrible situations I’ve encountered I’ve always stood tall and strong. I’m a strong woman. But almost loosing my son broke me. And, the thought of my 2 daughters living life without me was scary. I became more softer and humble because I took a step back to analyze my life and see how blessed I am. I’m alive, my son survived and my girls are with us. It made me see that I shouldn’t be mad at the world. Instead I should be out enjoying life and embracing the world. After that ordeal I stopped letting a lot of things get to me. I was much calmer and clear headed when negative and/or confrontational situations arose. I became a better me. I wanted to do better. But over time I felt myself slowly slipping back into my old ways. I think mainly because of how I handle stress and I feel like I’m under pressure to be great.I come across as being bitchy, mean, rude and evil. But yesterday was the complete opposite. I felt vulnerable and soft like when I was in the hospital trying to thrive with my son. Yesterday my little brother died. He was only 27, I cried all day. He was such a wonderful person and my girls loved him.Everyone loved Dante. It was a hard day and the funeral is gonna be worst. There’s gonna be people there I haven’t seen in years ( people I purposely stayed away from). I also cried and prayed all day about that. Some things are better left in the past. Yesterday further humbled my troubled soul. Made me appreciate living and all the people In my life. But why? Why do I have to go through tragedy to appreciate what I have and to not be upset everyday? I’m making a vow to myself to start becoming more forgiving. Forgive myself of all my sins and all pain casted upon me from others. Hopefully it will allow me to make it through the visitation, aid in cleansing my mind and ease the sorrow in my heart.

RIP DANTE JACKSON

 JANUARY 30,1989 – October 9, 2016

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